Make mine a double

No vending machine in the history of vending machines has ever produced a drinkable cup of coffee.

This I know.

However, my new employers have rigged the coffee vending machine for our benefit so that it spurts out free disgusting coffee in a variety of bitter, dirt-like flavors, as well as hot chocolate and steaming chicken broth.

When it’s 9:30pm and there are still endless hours of work yet to be enjoyed, we must focus on the “free” part.

We must deeply repress the part where the paper cup drops into the SBPA (Scalding Beverage Pouring Area) at such a gravitational velocity that negates the cup’s intended trajectory, instead landing on its side.

(While reaching in to adjust the cup’s optimal caffeine delivery position, I struggle to multi-task, remembering whether it’s the pound or asterisk button that adds extra sweetener.)

We must repress the part where the French Vanilla variety invariably overflows the cup’s boundaries, and we must carefully pour some out for the safety of ourselves and sneaky hurried co-workers who do not respect the carrier of scalding overflowing foulness.

We must repress the part where the coffee is untouchable for eight minutes, lest we desire skin grafts on our lips, tongue, throat and internal organs.

My mantra:
FREE BOILING BROWN WATER.
FREE BOILING BROWN WATER.
FREE BOILING BROWN WATER.

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Filed under career, food, frugal, job, work

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